...And Yet

I confess, I'm a recovering perfectionist. And I'm failing at it. Darn. I think that I'll just climb back in bed and pull the covers up over my head. I joke, of course, but in reality, my perfectionism is something that wreaks havoc on my soul-bound journey to joy in all circumstances. Pride is at its core---as if I am capable of leading a perfect life or responding to it perfectly. If I were perfect, would I ever have a need for a Savior in Jesus Christ? No way, no how. However, it is still hard to accept when I am confronted with an area where I am failing. But also, I have along the way, picked up that if I behave perfectly, then love will follow. Acceptance will be automatic. So I am slow to learn and accept God's unconditional love for me--yet it is. Why do I so often trade man's cheap praise for the deep love of a giant God who is so magnificent yet He still sees little me as one of His crowning acheivements in creation? Yet I do. And because I do, I often pretend to feel or be something that I'm not...like happy and fully content and deeply joyful. It is my heart to be these things---but I would be lying if I said that I have arrived. I don't even think I'm close.

The other day, my husband lovingly brought something to my attention that he felt might encourage me in this quest for joy-filled living. However, I couldn't hear it because my "Perfection Alarm" was ringing in my ears too loudly to hear this tender heart of my man's. Instead I heard, "you're failing and I can't love you when you are like this"---so I left in tears and drove away from our home to try to outrun the sorrow and panic. I ended up in a parking lot sobbing and crying out to God to help me understand. The question I have (and I'm thinking many people might wonder the same thing) is how does acceptance of circumstances and choosing joy mesh with real, raw emotions? How can one live a joyous life when there is grief? What do you do when the loneliness threatens to overwhelm you? How does one live with deep joy and still be true to what boils underneath the surface of daily life? What does one do with the ache or anger? So as I sobbed, I told God that while I appreciate all the heroes of the faith found in His word,  I wished that there was one person in the bible that truly felt sad and lived out this life in a way that I could strive to emulate. A guideline of sorts. And there, in the midst of my sniffling in the car in the parking lot of Kohls, God spoke so tenderly to my heart that it threatened to make the tears that had recently dried spill over again---"DAVID....AND YET". David, King of Isreal, a man after God's own heart, felt sorrow. He felt loneliness. He felt fearful. AND YET, David trusted in God's unfailing love. He told God of his sorrow AND YET, David praised Him still and held fast to His promises. God was his lifeline.

Psalm 56:8-9 "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?...This I know, that God is for me."

Psalm 6:6 and 9 "I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord accepts my prayer."

Psalm 42:11 "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."

I write this today as an encouragement---more for myself but also for anyone who would read this and relate. Too many Christians out there put on a facade that masks their pain, their sins and their struggles. Too many of us are afraid to show that they are failures and that they can't live this Christian life perfectly...but none of us can. We, who have the hope of Christ in us, should boldly proclaim to the world, I SUCK! AND YET---CHRIST LOVES ME!  I'M SAD AND FEEL HOPELESS AT TIMES AND YET---GOD IS FOR ME! I AM UNFORGIVING AND YET---GOD IS GRACIOUS! I FAIL ALL THE TIME AND YET--GOD NEVER FAILS!

So there you have it---my confession. I am struggling to find joy in my circumstances here amidst the lonely ache. God designed me to feel these things---for what purpose? To torture me? No---to remind me of my need for Him. So I will feel this sadness AND YET, I will praise Him through it and hope in Him to restore my joy to fullness. I don't have to pretend with Him...I can be real and raw and trust Him to love me just as I am--in fact, those emotions should propel me to His throne so that I can climb up on His lap and let Him comfort me as my Father.

I am (thankfully!) not unaware of how many reasons I have to be thankful. I have sweet friendships that are sustained over distances, I have precious and warm company in my family here in Ohio, I have food, shelter and my health...I can see clearly the blessings around me and I am grateful for that fact. Gratefulness keeps my heart bouyed and that is a gift from a gracious God who bottles my tears and seeks to be my lifeline in the sadness.
Psalm 126:5-6 "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out with weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

Fireflies

I love my Ohio backyard. It is filled with at least a half dozen giant trees that have roots sunk down deep into aged soil. The trees offer shade in the heat of this humid summer but more than that, they give the backyard a feeling that is reminiscent of my childhood home. Tonight I slipped out onto my back porch to sit a while and be alone in the quiet of dusk. I sat and looked over this giant backyard and before too long, the fireflies came out to do their nighttime dance. I have often marveled at the firefly. Watching their lights flicker like so many tiny stars close enough to touch turns me into a child. I stop short of getting my jar out to catch them preferring to leave them free to flicker and delight. But tonight I found myself in absolute wonder at this creature. I couldn't help but wonder at the fact that these flying lanterns are bugs. I don't like a lot of bugs. As much as I like the outdoors, bugs are not my favorite thing and you can catch me jumping and screaming if one happens to land on me. The firefly is a bug. It is fairly ordinary looking in the light of day and yet, at night it is absolutely transformed into a magnificent luminary.

I try to think hard about the Lord I love---and so as I watched these delightful bugs flicker and dance through the backyard tonight, I began to wonder about how God must delight in these bugs as well. I wondered if He called them out by their names like He does with the stars each night. I wondered if while He created the sunset tonight in all of its originality if He motioned the fireflies to stand in the wings and be ready to light up the night before asking the stars and moon to take center stage. I wondered about how He must be a little like me (or rather I like Him) that gets almost giddy to see them shine through the darkness. I began to wonder if these flashes of fluorescent light were glimpses of God's awesome glory---To see God's glory in fullness would so overwhelm us in our human bodies that He pinched off just the tiniest bit and placed it in the tail of a bug so that we could see it with our eyes and while doing so, see Him too.

I lingered long on the porch tonight. As I sat with my thoughts, I got to thinking about how we as Christ-Followers should be like the lightening bug. We should be sparks of light in the darkness of this world. We should delight others with our lights and point to God when they notice. It made me smile here in Ohio---where I feel a bit lost and very alone and where I have been shuffling through a depression that threatens to overcome my sparkle. Watching these ordinary bugs transforming the night gave me some hope of purpose. Oh that my light will shine here in the murky light and cause just one person to think hard on the God who creates, the God who loves and the God who transforms the ordinary into extraordinary.