I confess, I'm a recovering perfectionist. And I'm failing at it. Darn. I think that I'll just climb back in bed and pull the covers up over my head. I joke, of course, but in reality, my perfectionism is something that wreaks havoc on my soul-bound journey to joy in all circumstances. Pride is at its core---as if I am capable of leading a perfect life or responding to it perfectly. If I were perfect, would I ever have a need for a Savior in Jesus Christ? No way, no how. However, it is still hard to accept when I am confronted with an area where I am failing. But also, I have along the way, picked up that if I behave perfectly, then love will follow. Acceptance will be automatic. So I am slow to learn and accept God's unconditional love for me--yet it is. Why do I so often trade man's cheap praise for the deep love of a giant God who is so magnificent yet He still sees little me as one of His crowning acheivements in creation? Yet I do. And because I do, I often pretend to feel or be something that I'm not...like happy and fully content and deeply joyful. It is my heart to be these things---but I would be lying if I said that I have arrived. I don't even think I'm close.
The other day, my husband lovingly brought something to my attention that he felt might encourage me in this quest for joy-filled living. However, I couldn't hear it because my "Perfection Alarm" was ringing in my ears too loudly to hear this tender heart of my man's. Instead I heard, "you're failing and I can't love you when you are like this"---so I left in tears and drove away from our home to try to outrun the sorrow and panic. I ended up in a parking lot sobbing and crying out to God to help me understand. The question I have (and I'm thinking many people might wonder the same thing) is how does acceptance of circumstances and choosing joy mesh with real, raw emotions? How can one live a joyous life when there is grief? What do you do when the loneliness threatens to overwhelm you? How does one live with deep joy and still be true to what boils underneath the surface of daily life? What does one do with the ache or anger? So as I sobbed, I told God that while I appreciate all the heroes of the faith found in His word, I wished that there was one person in the bible that truly felt sad and lived out this life in a way that I could strive to emulate. A guideline of sorts. And there, in the midst of my sniffling in the car in the parking lot of Kohls, God spoke so tenderly to my heart that it threatened to make the tears that had recently dried spill over again---"DAVID....AND YET". David, King of Isreal, a man after God's own heart, felt sorrow. He felt loneliness. He felt fearful. AND YET, David trusted in God's unfailing love. He told God of his sorrow AND YET, David praised Him still and held fast to His promises. God was his lifeline.
Psalm 56:8-9 "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?...This I know, that God is for me."
Psalm 6:6 and 9 "I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord accepts my prayer."
Psalm 42:11 "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."
I write this today as an encouragement---more for myself but also for anyone who would read this and relate. Too many Christians out there put on a facade that masks their pain, their sins and their struggles. Too many of us are afraid to show that they are failures and that they can't live this Christian life perfectly...but none of us can. We, who have the hope of Christ in us, should boldly proclaim to the world, I SUCK! AND YET---CHRIST LOVES ME! I'M SAD AND FEEL HOPELESS AT TIMES AND YET---GOD IS FOR ME! I AM UNFORGIVING AND YET---GOD IS GRACIOUS! I FAIL ALL THE TIME AND YET--GOD NEVER FAILS!
So there you have it---my confession. I am struggling to find joy in my circumstances here amidst the lonely ache. God designed me to feel these things---for what purpose? To torture me? No---to remind me of my need for Him. So I will feel this sadness AND YET, I will praise Him through it and hope in Him to restore my joy to fullness. I don't have to pretend with Him...I can be real and raw and trust Him to love me just as I am--in fact, those emotions should propel me to His throne so that I can climb up on His lap and let Him comfort me as my Father.
I am (thankfully!) not unaware of how many reasons I have to be thankful. I have sweet friendships that are sustained over distances, I have precious and warm company in my family here in Ohio, I have food, shelter and my health...I can see clearly the blessings around me and I am grateful for that fact. Gratefulness keeps my heart bouyed and that is a gift from a gracious God who bottles my tears and seeks to be my lifeline in the sadness.
Psalm 126:5-6 "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out with weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."
If I were sitting next to you right now I would play these three songs for you...
ReplyDelete"Stronger"~ Mandisa
"Strong Enough" Matthew West
"Lift Me Up" The Afters
Praying for a sweet blessing for you. Also, praying Ben gets his orders, and our house will sell so we can get there SOON!!!!!
The summery before we married, when Terry thought he might continue as pastor in Colorado Springs, his executive minister, Mike Huber, asked to interview me by phone. He was primarily interested in my divorce and the state of my heart. Hardened? Arrogant? Defensive? These were never asked outright, but the unspoken concern was present.
ReplyDeleteI gave him my perspective ten years out, dredged up the failure, the fact that I could never reconcile the reality of my divorce and its broken promises with God's declaration that what I did was sin to Him.
I remember the anxiety of that conversation. Would I pass muster... enough so that Terry could continue pastoring if his board approved? But the only spoken thing I remember from that interview was Mike's quiet response, "God doesn't waste any pain."
Over the years, I thought that meant God would use my experience of pain to help others. Maybe so, but I doubt very much that I have served God with the muck and aftermath of divorce. Recently I started a book by Piper on God's sovereignty. His premise is that everything, good, bag, inexplicably ugly, occurs with God's knowing and that he permits it only for one reason: to glorify His Son. I haven't managed to get my head around that yet, except for my own patch of ugliness. I believe God chose to glorify Christ in my failure that I would look to Him. As Healer. Forgiver. And ultimately Giver of gifts again.
I don't know how God appropriates and redeems the pain of others, but I believe does.
I long loved the verse from Psalms 56. Back in my MN days, I came across a lovely bottle meant to symbolize that verse. It seemed inadequate for what God had promised. And I think it probably missed the point. It's not for me to keep a bottle that preserves the fact and volume of my tears. God said he will do that. Out of my sight. Preserved for His purposes.
I pray He will let me in one them.
What a beautiful post Andrea. I love you and your heart. I miss you so much!! And I love you. Call me. Anytime.
ReplyDeleteAndrea,
ReplyDeleteI couldn't help but notice that this all happened in a Kohl's parking lot. Don't forget that this could have been a very strong sign for Shopping Therapy. (you can't be surprised that I wouldn't notice something like that).
I love you, my sweet, cute friend!
LeAnne