350 Square Feet and a Whole Lot of Room for Growth

A husband and wife, two kids and a dog crammed into roughly 350 square feet. I have to admit, it’s been rough to adjust and just when I think I’ve accepted my circumstances, I trip on the dog or bang my knee on the corner of our bed while making it and I lose it once again. I haven’t been able to find much joy in my present circumstances but not because there isn’t anything in which to find joy. The truth of the matter is that there is always joy to be had if I’m living in the knowledge that all things are for my good and have eyes to see how bountifully I am blessed. Yet I’m failing miserably. Often. So these small spaces are squeezing me internally---squishing out sin that I didn’t even realize was within me. Ugh. I confess, it’s ugly in this here tin can of a home.

The thing is, I’m not necessarily unhappy about our RV and the fact that I’m living in it. It’s beautiful, warm when it has needed to be, cool when the sun beats down. There’s a decent bathroom with a shower---and now that I have figured out how far I can spread my arms, I no longer hit my funny bone while washing my hair. I have my kids close and at night, when all is still, I can hear their breathing. It reminds me of the nights I used to tiptoe in and listen at the side of their cribs for the sound of their life-giving breath…and that is charming, sentimental and wonderfully good. So what is my problem? Why have I so often sulked in silence and stared out the windows into sunshine feeling sorry for myself? What culprit has stolen the joy rug out from under me? Self pity overwhelms me at times and I am angry at myself for allowing it and seemingly helpless to stop it.

I think part of it is the fact that I feel displaced. Military moves (or any moves for that matter) are charged emotionally in ways sometimes unexpected. The move alone would be difficult enough, but we are in limbo here as we wait out the next 6 weeks to actually move on. Our anchor has been pulled, however, since we have sold our house and yet we are tethered here by military red tape and paperwork. So we are both here and not here at the same time. It is so difficult to even write about this strange existence and effectively communicate the emotional disarray I am experiencing. I am trying to live in the moment and enjoy with fullness the time I have left with dear friends but it is hard not to look 6 weeks out when the goodbyes really will take place. I’m grateful for the time with them but yet anxious to get it over with—rip the bandaid off and get on with the adjustment in Ohio. In essence, I’m feeling a bit schizophrenic! A perfect example would be this morning as I am bracing my feet against the side of the “tub” putting on makeup while the RV is moving out to another lot---I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of getting ready in my bathroom while it is driving down the road and yet cry at how unstable my life is right now! Calgon can’t take me far enough away at times.

And I am responding the same way with my family. One moment I am happily embracing the elements of the RV lifestyle and the next, I’m freaking out at my husband for having his things on every single available space. I am at peace, I am not. I have a home, but I don’t. I am Christ-like and I am Satan in human form.

But there is hope. Christ is not finished with me yet. He is using even this experience to show me my wretched sin. He is showing me that stability doesn’t come in a house’s foundation but in Him as a foundation for all things. He is showing me my selfishness and allowing me to deny self and serve Him in all things. He is showing me how I idolized comfort and giving me opportunities to get cramped, dirty and have to work a little harder for things. Who knows what He is prepping me to do? Mission field? Hold a baby that is filthy with lice-ridden hair and tend to her with love? Reach out to unknown people and love them without fear? Perhaps this will serve as a stepping stone from rich, worldly living with solid doors and locks to living in a hut in Africa with God alone as my safeguard. So, while I am terribly annoyed at myself and circumstances, I am also very grateful. (another sign of schizophrenia!) I am so immensely glad that the Lord loves me enough to show me where I am not pleasing Him and that He has brought me to a point where my self-dependence fails and I have only Him to do a life-changing work in me. And He will. With patience and unfailing love that I do not deserve in the slightest. So even in these tight quarters, there is a ton of room to grow.